Sunday, May 25, 2008

About Swimsuits

I've decided that my willingness to go out in public wrapped in only a small piece of spandex just so my children can splash around in a big pool is an absolute testament to just how much I love them. Why else would I torture myself - and anyone who happens to glance in my direction - in such a way?

I did manage to find a somewhat conservative (translation: very old-lady like) suit. It's not pretty, but at least it covers the scariest parts, so my children won't feel the need to walk ten paces ahead of or behind me lest anyone know they live in the same house as I do.

The suit does nothing, however, to hide those smiling (sneering?) little dimples on my thighs. Oh what fun the tabloids could have with me if I were a celebrity. Of course, perhaps if I was a celebrity, I wouldn't have fat dimples. I would be thin and beautiful. I would have personal trainer to whip my body into shape, and a cook to prepare wonderfully delicious meals, and a shopper to keep those non-Core foods out of my shopping cart and out of my kitchen. Yes, I would definitely be thinner if I were a celebrity.

Or maybe not. It is not my non-celebrity status that made me fat. It was the cheeseburgers, fries, and oreos, whose numerous evil-though-delicious fats loved my body so much they decided to take up residence. They are difficult inhabitants to evict! It was (and is) all the times I chose to nap, rock a baby, grade school work, cook dinner, wrestle with a baby, nap, or otherwise waste time rather than working out.

But alas, it is swimsuit season, and I have promised my children that we would swim this year, so wear the nasty ole thing I will. Maybe I'll even move around enough to burn out some of those squatters living in my thighs. Perhaps by the time cold weather arrives, enough of them will have gone that I will look a little better in my clothes. Maybe next summer I will want to wear my swimsuit in public. Maybe I'll wear it on Oprah. Hey if Kirsty can do it, why not? Right?

Okay, maybe not. But maybe I will lose a few pounds. Maybe I'll even be able to reach my goal weight this summer and stop paying all that money to Weight Watchers. I'll probably still dread going out in public in my swim suit, but maybe by next summer the wretched garment will be a size smaller.